ending things
graduation isn't as emotional as i expected. maybe, like everything else including love, sex, marriage, getting your period and prom night, it's just over-rated.
i haven't been with my friends since graduation. unmade and forever gone are the plans of out-of-town trips, college gimiks, all-nighters, summer partying, scrapbooks, makeovers and friends forever promises.
parties are as scarce. and i barely go out of the house. no summerjob or whatsoever to waste my time on. just good old-fashioned sleeping, surfing, reading, writing, phoning and a little watching tv.
it's just so depressing because i expected graduation to have an o-so-emotional impact, when actually it's just leaaving your fucking highschool. period. no looking over the past and crying while reminiscing. no nothing.
posted by the irresistably conceited Jenni |
a good writer
literature is my passion.
i want to paint everything with this certain poetic ring.
what is a good writer? a good writer is deceitful, twisting the truth into lies, and lies into realities. a good writer makes words such as 'clandestine', 'debaucherous', etc., sound real. a good writer is a sensual observer, artful in putting her every thoughts into words. a good writer has a magnetic characterisitic, as of a performer's, pleading look-at-me's to everyone yet recieving the demanded amount of attention. a good writer is expressive.
what i fear, actually, is that i may be more a reader than a writer.
posted by the irresistably conceited Jenni |
now
seriously, how can you hate so much people all at the same time? each one with different reasons, rational or not. all of them unknowing. all of them un-connected with the other. some are merely strangers and some, friends.
bull.
posted by the irresistably conceited Jenni |
goodbye u.p.
sheettt... my heart shattered into little bloodied pieces a while ago after finally realizing that i am as stupid as everybody else. figuratively, literally, what does it matter? it feels the same. yes, for a long time in my miserable and pretentious life, i was convinced that im probably a little smarter than most people. so much for my fucking bloated ego.
not more than fifteen minutes ago, i rerereretried the search for my name in u.p.'s database, but to no avail, it never appeared. i thought that if i try more than once, bacause of sympathy or appreciation of effort, "MACARANAS, JENNIFER MARGARET DOMINGUEZ" would magically, enchantedly, miraculously lurk somewhere. anywhere!!
it didnt, of course.
i just felt how much i wanted this more than any other universities. and nothing can comfort me na. not even: "u still have ust", "i'll buy you an ibook", or "you can have all the money in the world".
goodbye to my dreams of being considered as officially intellectual.
goodbye to dressing up according to how i feel (and not having weird stares).
goodbye to finally reaching beyond my standards.
goodbye to the chances of mingling and learning with people from different states of life, all witty and sensible.
goodbye to my being an activist and politically aware.
goodbye my beloved beloved beloved u.p.
(to those who have read my blog somehow, please pretend nalang na you haven't discovered my being sucha a failure yet. i'd like to keep all this sorrow, pain, and agony to myself for a while. just shut up about this to when we experience any form of contact and pretend that everything's fine.)
posted by the irresistably conceited Jenni |
